I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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