Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
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To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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