I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
