You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bring money and cleavage
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
