I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
