they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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