so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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