My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
