My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
