If i come over, it means nothing
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
