dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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