You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
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frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
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You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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