i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
