you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
