Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
