i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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