i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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