Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
