i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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