Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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