i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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