I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
