I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
