my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
did i walk over a car last night?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
