Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
