Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I fill condoms, not promises.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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