I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
