New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
