she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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