My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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