Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
