I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
