Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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