Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
