You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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