I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
