I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
