I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
