We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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