college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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