Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
