I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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