i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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