My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
