shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
