at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
