If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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