Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
