omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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