like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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