The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
