I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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