Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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