final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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