A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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