You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh god it's open bar.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
