Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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